Lately I don’t do the things I know to do. The thought is, “I don’t want to,” immediately purchased, and then I wait.
Waiting, day in and day out, for something that may or may not arrive.
Forever living in the future because I resist the Now that is real and present because it is presently without him.
I reject that Now.
I wholeheartedly hold it at arm’s length as though pretending it’s not there will ease the reality of its prevalence.
I shrink, I isolate, I medicate with thoughts that condone my frequent purchases. “He’ll be home soon” bandaids over the raw and open wound of his absence coupled with my resistance, insufficient at best.
Looking into the eyes of this great big holy terror, this great big unknown, trying to find ourselves inside to no avail.
For we are not out there in some great abyss. We are in here.
We share the same space.
“I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart).” – e.e. cummings