the garden of my heart

Conditioning – Past – Outdated Concepts – Emotions – Surrender – Balance

I am having this tendency to hold onto my past as though it were my identity.  Holding onto it looks a lot like defending it, remaining obstinate, being stuck, and trapped in ideas that are limiting me from reaching my full potential.  When I hold onto these ideas about who I am or about my experiences or what has transpired in the past, I am not giving myself the fair chance to grow.

I feel like I’ve been teetering in an emotional place that is signifying an unfinished story I have dangling in my mind.  It’s like these last little bits of identity that are hanging on by a thread, that I’m clinging to.  Holding onto these stories is also preventing me from being able to hear higher insight  because I’m literally blocking the energy from coming through by what I won’t release.

I’m a highly sensitive individual, sensitive to stimuli that is both internal and external.  Music has given me the ability to release a lot of it, which I’m grateful for… it’s a huge way that I’m able to release all that energy inside of me.

I think one of the biggest obstacles I have when it comes to moving forward is forgiving myself.  I’ve labeled myself in various ways based off of the choices I’ve made in the past (here and there) that don’t put me in the best lighting.

I’ve said things I wish I hadn’t said, I’ve emotionally reacted to situations in ways that have hurt those around me (and have hurt myself through these interactions)…. I’ve done things that I’m not proud of… things that I’m actually really ashamed of.  Things I’m afraid to admit because doesn’t this just add to the list of reasons I’m a terrible person?

But all of these are just ideas.  And while I know that intellectually, deep, deep down there’s a wound that believes my worth is tied to my production.  If what I’ve produced is garbage, does that not mean I’m garbage?

I’m in this evaluating stage, where I’m scrutinizing all that I’ve done and all that I could possibly do.

I’m in this place where the only thing I have left to do is to surrender.  To admit that I don’t have my shit together.  To feel okay with myself after having admitted it.  I’m in this place of needing to accept that it’s okay for not having it altogether, and not needing to defend myself for knowing that.

That’s the hard part.  Wanting love and belonging so badly that I want to defend the image I want myself to be.  “But look!  I meant well!” I feel deep down inside my heart as a little girl crouched down in grief and shame.

All those daggers of judgment I feel from those around me are actually my own daggers.  Until I forgive myself, I won’t ever feel love and belonging.  Until I allow myself to feel the true emotions of my experiences (defensiveness is not the true emotion–it’s protecting the true emotion), I won’t be able to move forward.

So now.

How do I give it to God, as it were, without actually avoiding the process of healing?  How do I express and release the energy that seems to be stuck inside of me, begging to be seen and heard?

Mindfulness and nurturing with patience… Listening with an open heart and mind… Waiting and trusting, knowing that my life is a garden of various expressions, outcomes, and demonstrations of Divine Love… if only I will take the time to appreciate that without overlooking what growth and beauty has occurred alongside perceived “failures”.

Everything is only a reference point for growth, not an indication of worthlessness.

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