“How are you?”
Over twenty minutes passed before I could finally accept the only response I could figure, “I’m not sure. Thank you for asking.”
“Well, let me know if you find out, please.”
What is this? How am I? I know I’m fine. I know I will be fine. I know everything is good and there isn’t anything out of place specifically, but I also know something is there. Something that I clearly wasn’t addressing.
“I seem tired and uneasy, maybe.”
Occasionally I notice a state of disquiet within me. When I decide to explore the space, I discover there’s something I’m resisting.
Or I’m clinging to some idea of a situation that happened and already passed.
Or I’ve experienced something and didn’t like it, but instead of processing the energy of the “dislike” or “resistance” of the situation, I repress it or decide that “I’m not supposed to feel that way” so accidentally repress it.
But that repression isn’t magically freeing me of my response. Energetically, the tension builds with or without my conscious awareness directed to it.
Insert irritability or anxiety which makes me short-fused or unable to handle abrupt changes of the environment (and by that I mean, less likely to be ready for the life that continues unfolding around me like it does).
When I catch myself in these scenarios, I bring my attention to what I’m feeling and breathe through it (without judging any of it).
Sometimes I dissect it, pull the thought behind it apart like a sentence I’m diagramming, and find the errors in it. Often it’s just a matter of rearranging some things or removing certain ideas altogether. The energetic “disruption” dissolves and I carry on.
I don’t always find myself in the vortex of my energetic storm immediately, but the timeframe for awareness of it is shortening the more intention I set behind being fully aware of what I’m experiencing in the here and now.
There’s a song that meant a lot to me when I was about 14 that keeps coming up. It comes up so much in my mind that I’ve recently started a new playlist with it. Though a Christian song (I no longer identify as a Christian, nor do I subscribe to the premise of the religion), the words can easily be translated and heard universally; thus, it resonates in my heart, expanding the depth of stillness and solidity I feel inside.
These experiences — though sometimes seem engulfing or tumultuous — refine me, rolling over me, thinning out what doesn’t belong, softening my rough edges.
I am not this, and yet somehow I am.
Sat Chit Ananda.