I’ve been sitting back observing my reactions to situations or comments or ideas that randomly pop in my head. I’ve also been reflecting on my reactions to things in the past.
Things I’ve noticed about me: something significantly exciting that someone would be doing cartwheels about causes a tender nod and gentle smile for me rather than the former. I, also, don’t tend to be as devastated by supposed tragic news as I feel I used to be or would have been.
I think the dread I have about our looming expiration is the fear of the Unknown. The biggest Unknown I’ve worried about is my reaction. I don’t want to feel ripped apart. I don’t want to feel gut-wrenched or maimed. I don’t want to feel divided from my person.
These are all ideas of how I could feel, and I remember feeling those things in the past…
All the laws are the same—inner laws and outer laws. The same principles drive everything in this world. If you pull a pendulum out one way, it will swing back just that far the other way. – Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul
If what Singer says is true, it seems like I’ll have a pretty alright response, overall. We’ve tried to remain middle-of-the-stick and realistic regarding our expectations of one another.
Yes, we’re best friends. Yes, we share a lot with each other… but the beginning of this year tempered us enough for us to realize where we were investing incorrectly and then adjust properly.
I love that man with all of my heart; there’s no middle about that. But I love him with so much of it that I couldn’t dare steal his story and make it mine. I love him so much that no extreme would be entertained in any protective measure to ensure I trap him for myself.
He doesn’t belong to me any more than I belong to him. We are only different packages of the universe viewing our world from different lenses, in different dreams.
But I will view this world soberly, in the middle, the center of my stillness. The eye of the hurricane around me.
And I will find beauty in ashes.
*as an aside, today as we sat on the back patio looking at nothing but feeling the warm breeze, we brushed arms and fingers and hands and leaned toward one another enjoying each others’ presence. My heart strings felt tugged in the moment as I realized that I didn’t particularly prefer to wake from this beloved dream, from the arms of my beloved.
My eyes became glassy, my heart expanded in my chest, and I let out a deep sigh.
“I love you,” the words tumbled out. “I’ll miss you.”
Reciprocating, we sit in the sound of Life that unfolds around us. We are only here to dance to its beat.