Written: Monday, June 25, 2018
For several days I’ve been struggling with a general malaise that’s seemed to evolve to a deep hopelessness. In most of my attempts to cheer myself I’ve been unsuccessful, thereby — seemingly — exacerbating the issue.
Just now I considered, perhaps I am understanding why with glimpses of epiphany.
For openers, I am treating myself as though I’m broken. As though I need fixing. So I’m not accepting the feeling, while also subliminally telling myself that I’m not good enough. To add insult to injury, I judge myself for doing “it” (which turns into an extention of everything) wrong. What this does is actually fuel the feeling of sadness instead of creating conditions to naturally release it, and then creates the kind of all consuming fire that begins to break down other “stable” thought patterns I’d recently built.. So basically I’m compounding the feeling of inadequacy and failure.
Another way I’m trying to cheer up is by focusing on something I dislike about myself and then finding ways to fix it. But because I’m unmotivated and sad, the responses don’t feel like exciting possibilities; they feel more like more ways I will never meet up to my expectation or projected expectations.
So, to take my hands off the wheel, I, then, decide to seek out someone else to fix me. When they aren’t fixing me or even slightly increasing my happiness, I jump to conclusions that sound like, “You will never find someone you connect with fully. No one will ever love you or see you or hear you or understand you in the way you need it.” So then i feel unloved. Knowing that that’s untrue and projection, my finger points back at me for feeling unloved, for having a negative spiral of thoughts that apparently I can’t control, and for not being mature enough to quickly identify the pattern and extinguish it.
I think the key is to acknowledge myself. Compliment and love myself.
To connect with my anchors. To remember who I am.
But whenever I have tried remembering who I am, I don’t really feel connected to it. I’ve often felt like I’m only telling myself that to feel better. That it’s not based off of fact, but imagination of what I want to be and who I want to be.
I could do something that yields successful results? But that too would be false and fleeting because it’d be an assessment based off of external results.
Unless it was based off of the acknowledgement of the core characteristic [anchor] that made it all possible at all.