october 15, 2015:
Every day seems silly.
Time passing, pretending it has any value, deceiving us into giving credit to the game. ¶ If Watts is right, I still don’t understand the point.
“What’s the point?” [the smallest of the bunch] said today. And for a moment I wondered if she’d heard me.
[Had I been reading my journal aloud without realizing it?]
But within a moment I quickly ran through reality thoroughly enough to remember: No. I hadn’t.
My ears perked. I hoped she would say something so profound so I waited, on the edge of my seat.
“The point is pointy — so don’t touch it if it’s too pointy or it’ll hurt, okay?”
I had so many doubts.
How would I know I was doing the right thing? What if I thought I was following the Flow and really I was only inventing it? How could I trust I’d be safe? How do I know I’m not making one of “my” choices again and not following the Flow’s hunches?
I didn’t know how to separate myself from my questions. I was so identified with them that I didn’t understand that they were only thoughts arising in awareness and not “This is the Truth of the Situation”. And what I mean by that is that if I sat back and looked at the question instead of feeling the question as me, I would have realized it was just another form of stimulus grabbing my attention and pulling it away from the here and now.
I remember always hearing Mooji say, “Don’t touch anything; let it go.” What he is always referring to are the thoughts or emotions that arise within the mind or body–to not identify them as our own self, to not engage these thoughts or feelings or fuel them with more thoughts, but to observe them and let them pass. To let go of concepts, roles, references — everything, so that I can be present in the here and now.
Don’t touch anything, because it’s pointy and if it’s too pointy it’ll hurt, okay?
It was fear that gave me the license to mull things over far too much. I was always worried that if I let go, something would drop and then break. I mean, that’s implied, isn’t it? What happens to something when you let it go? Fortunately, letting go in the spiritual plane is not like letting go in the physical plane. Letting go of fine china without the safety of a visible table it’s been set on is clearly a disaster waiting to happen, and since the physical plane is my first reference, it’s obviously a terrifying idea.
What do you mean trust something that I can’t see?
So I took baby steps. I started listening to the random ideas that popped in my head and trusted that it came from the Divine.
But I didn’t blindly trust, if I think about it. I’d pray about it, sit with it, then I’d end up sending out a probably-wordless-intention that meant something like this, Okay look. I don’t know if this is you or not but it doesn’t feel like me, because I don’t actually want to do it–so why would I come up with it? I’ll take steps in this direction and if it’s supposed to be, I trust that it will be seemingly effortless (or nearly).
And then I’d take a step. Only a step. One. Step. At. A. Time. That’s. All. It’s all I could do.
As you start to walk out on the way, the way appears. – Rumi
^^^^This is actual truth, for real.
It wasn’t just the step, though. It was what I chose to believe that enabled me to make the step. See, behavior is just the symptom of what you think. You do what you believe 100% of the time, period-exclamation-point.
Before that really set in, though, I was fortunate enough to come across some invaluable advice. (Of course, I hadn’t realized it then. At the time I just had to trust that the Universe brought it to me for my good. I suspended thought and trusted, the way my children do what I tell them to do without thought.)
It changed my entire approach to absolutely everything I ever hear or read or see or experience. Of course, at first it wasn’t my natural wiring; at first it was discipline. But it ended up being worth it.
Master said: Die but don’t be dead.
Meaning, die to all your personal notions of God, the world, and yourself. – Mooji
To Investigate Further: